I was blissfully ignorant on what to expect when my son arrived- I had always been a control freak, effortlessly sliding into the many new changes that had occurred during the few years prior to us getting pregnant. Obviously I could handle a baby, no problem (LOL). My delivery was pretty quick – my water broke around 3am and after a failed epidural and some intense back labor, Thomas was vacuumed out and arrived at 11:17am on 11.5.16.
The first few days at home were okay – then began the emotional roller coaster. My postpartum was VERY up and down. I had a good amount of happy moments sprinkled into my days, which is the argument I used against myself to “show” I wasn’t truly suffering.
Looking back at my behavior, I can now see where I began sinking deeper into PPD. For instance, the immense sense of dread and loneliness I’d feel around 4pm when the sun would go down. The walks I would take by myself (even if it was raining) to escape my growing suffocation. I was having insomnia and became OBSESSED with sleep; it was all I could talk and think about. I started taking melatonin and drinking endless cups of “sleepy time” teas to knock me out. Nothing worked. Most days I had a painful, heavy knot in my stomach. I was losing weight and having anxiety attacks. I was becoming scared of going to stores, changing diapers and taking showers.
I think I cried for 72 hours straight when I finally called the emergency line for my OBGYN. It was a Sunday night around 11pm- luckily the doctor who delivered my son was on call and told me to come in the next morning.
I started Zoloft and began therapy shortly after. My husband had to take a week off of work to stay home with me while I adjusted to the medication and calmed my frazzled nerves. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, anxiety and an adjustment disorder. I struggled for a while accepting that I needed professional help. It made me feel weak and unfit to be someone’s mother.
I’m so happy I pushed through and committed to getting better. While it still hurts to look back and remember what I was feeling during the first few months of my sons life, I’m in a really good place today and have learned a lot about myself!
*Thank you to our brave and real mama from the Mommy Soul Tribe, Lindsay Showmaker, for sharing her diary entry with us here on the blog. To join this honest conversation and countless others over in the free soul tribe, join us HERE. We are always looking for diary entries from members of our tribe on the following topics:
Postpartum Depression, Miscarriage, #MeToo, Rainbow Babies, Choosing to go back to work, Choosing to be a SAHM, Breastfeeding, Pumping, Starting a business, and God knows what else.
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