Having Babies is Bad for Your Marriage

“Sometimes relationships can be simple. Sometimes. You know, when they aren’t overshadowed by guilt, anxiety, low self-worth, I’m-not-enough-ness, I don’t deserve, passive aggression or silent resentment. This is liberating information I wish I had known 3 years ago when I was making everything HARD in ours.”

I shared this and more lessons from my REAL LIFE relationship in our Mommy Soul Tribe FB group last night, and the words above, especially, feel like an important lesson to bring to the rest of the tribe: You don’t have to make your post-baby relationship HARD.

You can baby-proof your partnership with the same attention to detail you give when baby-proofing those outlet covers that pose a death threat on every wall in the house (SO MANY OUTLET COVERS, WHYYY).

It all starts with YOU.

I read this article about the proven decline in relationship happiness after children recently and it paints a pretty dismal picture of your relationship going down the tubes for sure after you procreate. AWESOME NEWS – I KNOW! But fear not. I’m not buying it.

The article is compelling and shocking and so it’s getting a lot of attention, but it got me thinking about my own marriage. How do we fit in? How do we measure up to the statistic of unhappy couples with children? Because I really outgrew my penchant for fitting in around age 18, and I’m hoping this is no exception.

So I asked. I asked my husband, “Are you happy? Do you feel less happy since we had kids? What’s good about it and what’s hard about it?”

And you know what he said?

“I’m happy when you’re happy.”

AND HE MEANT IT.

And, while he is an exceptional male specimen (trust. me.), I hear the same thing from moms like you ALL THE TIME during Truth Chats and private sessions. “I feel guilty spending money on myself, though I know actually my husband just wants me to be happy.”

You are the foundation of your family. You are the foundation of your business. When you are happy, he will be happy. When you are happy, business will be easy. You, you, YOU. It always starts with YOU.

Men are so much easier to comprehend than women. I mean, figuring us out is literally like the hardest job I can imagine…

What if we wanted the same thing for ourselves that our partners wanted for us?

TO BE HAPPY. COMPLETE. CONTENT.

What if that one thing was THE key to baby-proofing our relationships after the baby arrived?

What if we confidently went out into the world as bold, unbreakable mothers and DID whatever the F it was that MADE US HAPPY knowing THAT is the only proven way to baby-proof our relationships?

How would that change the world? How would that change our relationships? How would that change the lives our children create for themselves? How would that change US?

And I mean, no pressure, but if you DON’T start making yourself happy, guess what?

Then the punk who wrote this article IS RIGHT. Then you fall in line with the rest of the stats that say having babies is BAD for your marriage.

If I know you, you are not someone who is going to go quietly into the love-less night with your mommy badge as your only comfort. Mommy is one of your roles. It does not define you and neither do these statistics.

You want to be happy. I know you do because I’ve talked to SO MANY OF YOU. You want to be your BEST SELF. You want to make the MOST of this ONE INCREDIBLE LIFE and the GIFT it is to a) raise tiny humans, yes, and also b) TO BE ALIVE.

Decide YOUR post-baby relationship will be different. Decide to put your happiness at the top of the to-do list. And know that this is truly a gift to give your children and the world. (I would know. I come from two very unhappy parents.)

I’ve had this magical idea percolating for some time now of how else to help you create happiness for yourself, your relationships, your family. How can I serve you busy, overwhelmed mamas in a way that feels easy and light for you and still helps you fill your cups? Teaches you HOW, even. Gives you that support you are TELLING me you want on our Truth Chats. I’m gearing up to launch an awesome new program, but I’d LOVE your feedback before I do.

I’m looking to pick the brains of 25 of you Beautifully Messy Mommies on the phone, and as a thank you for your insight, I’m offering to coach you for 20 minutes on one major issue you’re struggling with. A gift from me in exchange for the gift of your feedback.

If you feel called to support me on my mission to create a movement that empowers women to step into the bold, beautiful, messy and kick-ass human beings they were born to be, schedule a time that works for you using this link. During that time I’ll ask you some research questions that will directly affect the format of my upcoming program, and then we’ll dive into a coaching jam sesh at the end. It will be fast and loose and we’ll both hang up feeling amazing.

There’s more, and I promise you’ll be some of the first to know when it’s ready. Thank you for letting me in your inboxes each week. I appreciate you, and have loved connecting with so many of you over the past month.

Remember – to schedule your time for a Feedback Exchange/Truth Chat here. Can’t wait to tradesies!

Love Love,

G

PS: You want to know how else you baby proof your relationship? You find a soul tribe. You find your people to talk you down off a ledge when raising tiny humans feels way too hard. You surround yourself with “me too,” “you’re doing an awesome job,” and also “here’s how you can stop feeling like you’re not doing enough.” You’re on the right track because you’re here, and I promise I’m rolling out something amazing that is going to keep you on the path to being a bold, unbreakable mommy. But, I can’t do it without your help! Schedule a Feedback Exchange/Truth Chat here so you can learn more about what I mean and help me help YOU co-create the best Mommy Soul Tribe on the Internet. (Yeah, I said it.)

PPS: Have other tips for baby-proofing your relationship? Do share in the comments under the blog!

 

There are 3 comments on this post

  1. Lizz
    14 hours ago

    This strikes a deep chord and we don’t even have a baby, just a puppy. But I think the point is that the major challenges in life, the ones that bring us closest to our brink, are the ones that also prove our worth and the strength of our relationships too. Whenever we put someone or something (a baby, puppy, etc.) else’s needs before our own, we risk subconsciously resenting those around us/closest to us for our unmet needs and pushing them further away when we most need them. This was a lightbulb moment for me. Thanks for the awakening Gervase!

    Reply
    1. Profile photo of Gervase Kolmos
      Gervase Kolmos Author
      12 hours ago

      Lizz,
      You are so so wise, love! TOTALLY agree on every level, whether you have a child or not. Subconscious resentment of those we love is actually like drinking your own poison. You feel good for a minute because “it’s all their fault” or “they don’t understand,” but what we really need most in those moments is to take care of ourselves and ask our people for love and support. So happy to be part of a lightbulb moment. 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing!

      Reply

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